How do you mourn someone who is still alive? 

Out of 5 Uncles, 4 Aunts, 8 cousins and Parents How is it I have no one I can turn to at times of need, joy, happiness, sadness, loneliness to name a few....?

A toxic narcissistic relationship with the woman who pushed me into this world and for the first 15 years wasn’t so toxic as to emotionally damage me or my brother, as much as she would come to in the later years, has for some reason alienated each and every one of the other people in my life.

I blame their in ability to stand up to an over opinionated loud drunkard, I blame their weaknesses and their ‘era’ the era that so easily victim shames and enables the abusers. I just blame them for giving up and turning their backs so easily on their kin for an easier life, to not rock the boat. 

I’m in the early stages of receiving counselling for the damage caused by one person, the damage that shakes my confidence on a daily basis, that makes me question every single decision I make. That makes me wonder what I did so wrong to make my own mother hate me so much that she wants to tarnish my reputation with not only family members but perfect strangers who don’t even know her personally to make herself look better than she is. Knowing full well I will not retaliate despite every single fibre of my being screams to stand up for myself, seems relatively pointless when no one else wants to take a stand for me? 

I need to effectively let go of all the people who don’t have me, the people I heard with such high regard despite their ‘not having me’ for 31 long mostly happy years. I need to be able to remember the good! Forget the bad and let go. 

I grieve for the people my children will not see, the extended family outside of me and my husband. 

And so that leads me back to the 1st question..... how do you mourn people who are still alive? 

I trust no ones common sense but my own....

I’m sat here currently watching shite on tv to curb the insane rush of anxiety I get nightly, anxiety that  Stems from my inability to control the stupidity of my fellow human beings, anxiety that bubbles to the surface when I think of potentially allowing my children to come into contact with a deadly virus because people are absolute arseholes, there are some who aren’t like, don’t get me wrong but just recently the majority are proving to be scarily stupid.
I’m fearful that no matter how safely I play the game of life there, from my past experiences of humans is going to be a tosser who’s is going to fuck it up for me and mine.
I don’t have the best track record with people and their abilities to keep promises or their word and that’s from trusted and well thought of people in my life so what hope is there of complete strangers wanting to “have my back” it the midst of this terrible pandemic?
I don’t even WANT to go to work in my “key worker” role, never in a million years would I have thought I’d say that about being a glorified shelf stacker in a small supermarket, we essentially were the workers who “aren’t going anywhere in life” who have “no skills or qualifications” supposedly.
I am far from dead end, I have taken a back seat for my kids to enable them to have a mum who gets to see their firsts and is lucky enough to to have a supportive partner. What happens when we get sick because of my job!
Scary shit it really is, I just wish common sense would prevail, I’m too weak minded to have to keep letting this shit go round and round. Wake me up when it’s all over!